They Will Rise Again From the Tundra

Jay Cutler (Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons, User: Mike Shadle)

You try that [screaming] with a pineapple down your windpipe. Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Ep. 4: Owl Stretching Time, “Self Defence”

I’m no big Jay Cutler fan.  He throws off of his back foot; he holds on to the ball too long and too often when the defense is about to smash his face into the turf; he doesn’t tuck the fucking ball when he rushes.

But Cutler is a pretty good quarterback.  In fact, about twenty teams in this league don’t have a quarterback of his caliber, and what Jay did this season is impressive in its own right because he did it all with a pineapple down his windpipe.  The guy was sacked 52 times and played 15 regular season games, missing only one due to a concussion.  He was absolutely leveled a number of times and got back … Read more

There are few activities more masochistic than golf.  The twisted nature of the sport has been covered all too well by golfers and comedians alike, so I will spare you the banal jokes.  I’m in no mood for them after what happened this afternoon.

I’m not one of those people that plays golf often as I find it is best enjoyed sparingly and only after adhering to a months-long regimen of intense meditation, masturbation, and dieting.  Anything less might allow for my violent competitiveness to creep in and ruin the day for everyone.  Indeed.  No one who competes against me in anything, be it darts, pool, basketball, or jacks (etc.) will end up enjoying himself very much.  If I perform well, I normally win by a large enough margin to make the game seem pointless, and if I am losing, I will fall into petulance and throw a conniption fit … Read more