I figure I have more medals than you

February 21st, 2010 by The Polski Samurai, under Fay & Snob. No Comments

SNOB:
This is stupid.

FAY:
What’s that?

SNOB:
Figure skating.

FAY:
What are you talking about? Wait, you’re watching figure skating?

SNOB:
Yeah. I want to watch the Olympics but this is the only thing they’re showing.

FAY:
What’s wrong with figure skating?

SNOB:
It’s so pretentious. Men and women wearing overly flamboyant clothing, sticking their noses up in the air, and being all fanatical about who can dance around in circles the best is not my idea of entertainment. Stupid.

FAY:
I’d like to see you memorize a four and half minute routine then trying to land on your feet after three full rotations.

SNOB:
Sorry but my talents are needed elsewhere.

FAY:
What’s wrong with you? Figure skating takes years to master with only a select few who can even participate in the Olympic Games.  Those skaters are no less talented, or possibly more talented, than the athletes in bobsledding, ski jumping, and… curling. Dammit.

SNOB:
Don’t knock on the curling.

FAY:
Anyway, figure skating is full of great stories, competition, and upsets. Hell, there was an upset this year with the American over the Russian.

SNOB:
I just don’t like the fact that there isn’t any hard proof who determines the winner. It isn’t who can skate the fastest or jump the highest. It’s a bunch of judges who, in their opinion, rate skaters on how well they “perform.”

FAY:
But there are a lot of obvious mark-offs when a skater falls down or wobbles when doing  a spin.

SNOB:
True, but if you have two skaters who don’t do either of those things then it’s all up to artist interpretation.

FAY:
Like this year.

SNOB:
Exactly. Lysacek defeats Plushenko by a single point. Neither of them fell down. Now how do you choose a winner?

FAY:
You seem to know a lot about the sport for one who hates it so much.

SNOB:
Sometimes it feels like it’s the only thing they air. The announcers praise the USA for winning the gold in figure skating out of all the medals America has tallied up. And that’s another thing. Medal counts. Why do they do that? I thought the Olympics were about representing your country and doing the best you can in the event you’re passionate about. Not a global competition to determine which country is the best by who has the most medals.

FAY:
I don’t know. Maybe it’s for all the people who don’t know a thing about the majority of the events. As long as their country is winning, they don’t care.

SNOB:
Sweet, curling is coming on next.

FAY:
Oh geeze.   How can you sit there and knock on an event where athletes are in the best shape of their lives then move onto the slowest paced sport in all of the Games.

SNOB:
Because curling rocks.

FAY:
You probably just want to turn it into a drinking game of some sort.

SNOB:
It’s already a drinking game. They just can’t do it in the Olympics.

FAY:
Even if they did, America would still lose.

SNOB:
Chalk another medal up for the Germans. So I guess that makes them overall number seven in the medal counts.  Why do they do that?

FAY:
Ugh. Listen. The last event for figure skating is coming on later and I would like to watch it without any idiotic commentary.

SNOB:
Impossible. I don’t even have to say anything. The announcers do that to themselves.

FAY:
I’m gonna triple salchow your face.

Another epic dies which consumed my life

April 9th, 2009 by The Polski Samurai, under Fay & Snob. 1 Comment

Fay:
Whacha doing?

Snob:
Nothing.

Fay:
What do you mean nothing?

Snob:
Huh.

Fay:
You’re down in the dumps aren’t you?

Snob:
Why do you say that?

Fay:
Battlestar Galactica is over and done with.

Snob:
So?

Fay:
It consumed your life for the past six years and now it’s over.

Snob:
Good riddance.

Fay:
You’re full of shit you know that? All the computer wallpapers, blog postings, dvd collections… all now just a memory.

Snob:
Shut up.

Fay:
Whatever shall we do now that BSG is off the air?

Snob:
That’s what I’m trying to figure out.

Fay:
Why don’t you find another show?

Snob:
There’s nothing out there even a fraction of BSG’s magnitude of greatness.

Fay:
What about American Idol, Lost, or one of the 1,000 crime solving, CSI, or law and order police shows?

Snob:
You know come to think of it, I did feel like stabbing someone today.

Fay:
Hardy Har Har.

Snob:
Who says that anymore?

Fay:
I do, because I’m from the 70s.

Snob:
The 70s… when Battlestar first aired.

Fay:
Jesus Christ man, let it go.

Snob:
Whatever Cylon.

Fay:
Oh nice comeback.

Snob:
Sorry, I don’t dish out my good material to machines.

Another Comic Book Movie Discussion…

March 22nd, 2009 by The Polski Samurai, under Fay & Snob. No Comments

SNOB:
What the hell is that?

FAY:
What?

SNOB:
Your t-shirt. Or should I say my t-shirt.

FAY:
This isn’t yours.

SNOB:
How is that not mine? Who else would buy an “Alan Moore was right” t-shirt?

FAY:
You think I could fit this well in one of your t-shirts?

SNOB:
Hmm. So are you trying to steal my image?

FAY:
Yes. That’s exactly what I’m trying to do.

SNOB:
You actually agree with the message on the t-shirt?

FAY:
Not every comic book movie does justice the story or characters (cough cough) Superman Returns (cough cough).

SNOB:
Why didn’t you like Watchmen?

FAY:
Just adapting panels from the comic book to the big screen doesn’t mean you’re making an accurate comic book movie.

SNOB:
Tell me about it. After I saw 300 I pictured myself kicking Zack Snyder in the nuts in slow motion then quickly speeding up as soon as contact was made.

FAY:
Well regardless, we are in the era of the comic book movie boom.

SNOB:
It’s weird. When I was a kid I pictured all my comic book heroes on the big screen and now that it’s happening I feel like I’m pulling the slots at a casino. I’m taking a chance even though I most likely going to be let down.

FAY:
So why take the chance?

SNOB:
Well it’s a comic book movie.

FAY:
So you buy into the hype even though you assume you’re going to be depressed afterwards?

SNOB:
Well, when you win at the slots it’s ever so sweet.

FAY:
I dunno. It’s just a movie. And all the children and simpletons out there just want to be entertained.

SNOB:
Checkers is entertaining. Swan boat rides are entertaining. Poorly made comic books movies are like pouring salt on an open wound while getting a root canal by Stevie Wonder.

FAY:
What’s so bad about them? I mean there are many movies that I got bored with but didn’t have a repulsive gag reflux after watching them.

SNOB:
All I’m asking is for producers, writers and directors to get on the same page and tell the story right. In 1975, the comic book Giant Size X-Men was released introducing several new characters, all from different places of origin. Storm was from Africa. Colossus from Russia. Nightcrawler from Germany. In the X-Men movie trilogy, all the characters speak with American accents. Well except for Nightcrawler. He still had an accent. He was pretty sweet actually.

FAY:
Don’t you think you’re nit-picking too much?

SNOB:
Possibly. But what if someone was doing a documentary about you and the actor playing you was one-hundred pounds heavier and one foot shorter than you?

FAY:
That sounds like Chip, my imaginary friend.

SNOB:
Ha. Ha. Wouldn’t you get pissed, though?

FAY:
Yeah, yeah. But times change. Dialogue, clothing, politics, culture has all changed since comics were originally written.

SNOB:
Well, Watchmen’s fifteen minutes of fame is over. And that’s all the change I need.

FAY:
Hey… “Alan Moore was right.”

SNOB:
Give me my shirt back.

Driving stick under the influence

March 22nd, 2009 by The Polski Samurai, under Fay & Snob. No Comments

FAY:
Watcha watchin?

SNOB:
Sports.

FAY:
That’s pretty general.

SNOB:
Basketball.

FAY:
Good game?

SNOB:
Why do you care? You don’t like sports let alone know anything about them.

FAY:
Well you only watch sports out of boredom, gambling, and for stats.

SNOB:
And… commercial. Now, what were you saying?

FAY:
Never mind.

SNOB:
I’m hungry.

FAY:
Hmm. So many commercials.

SNOB:
Maybe some orange chicken with white rice…

FAY:
Are they going to show anything different?

SNOB:
What?

FAY:
Look at this. There are only three different types of commercials being shown.

SNOB:
So?

FAY:
That’s a very limited audience they’re selling to. I mean common, really? It’s the same three brands over and over again. Beer, cars, and Viagra… or male enhancement if you will.

SNOB:
Alcohol, cars, and sex. What else is there in life?

FAY:
You know what’s funny too?

SNOB:
Funny haha or funny interesting?

FAY:
Each brand recommends or warns viewers not do indulge in the other two brands.

SNOB:
…

FAY:
Look. The commercial tells you not to drink alcohol while taking Viagra. In addition, you should not operate heavy machinery or drive.

SNOB:
I can drive with a boner.

FAY:
Beer commercials always have warnings to “drink responsibly.”

SNOB:
I’m “drinking responsibly” right now.

FAY:
And car commercials tell you if you drive their car, you can get any woman you want. This again goes back to the fact that you can’t take a chubby capsule and drive. Any they’re expensive.

SNOB:
So what are you saying?  I can’t pop a prick pill while having an adult beverage and drive at the same time?

FAY:
Hey watch the road!

SNOB:
Whoa!

FAY:
Why did you put a TV in car anyway?

SNOB:
No one tells me what to do.

FAY:
Move over, I’m driving.

SNOB:
Fine. But turn right here. I’m meeting Susie tonight.

FAY:
But she lives two towns over.

SNOB:
Yeah, but I need to pick up some Viagra.

FAY:
God I hate you.

Lightning Strikes Twice

March 8th, 2009 by The Polski Samurai, under Fay & Snob. No Comments

FAY:
Who ever decided that lighting was a prominent source for superpowers? Like, if you get struck by lightning while working in a science lab, you will gain an amazing ability.

SNOB:
Well… what if it’s true?

FAY:
What?

SNOB:
How many people you know were struck by lightning?

FAY:
None.

Snob:
And how many people do you know have superpowers?

FAY:
None… but that doesn’t mean…

SNOB:
I’m just saying what is the probability of somebody working in a science lab and getting stuck by lightning at the same time? Sure people get stuck by lighting every year but isn’t it something like one out of seven hundred thousand?

FAY:
About 73 deaths a year.

SNOB:
Right. And out of that 73 people, how many were working in a lab or chemical plant or nuclear facility?

FAY:
Couldn’t tell you.

SNOB:
Zero dammit! There could have been a lightning attack on some mild-manner scientist and the combination of rare chemicals and atmospheric electric discharge somehow started a new chain in mankind evolution?

FAY:
Mild-mannered? Superman wasn’t struck by lightning nor was he a scientist.

SNOB:
THAT’S NOT THE POINT!

FAY:
Ok, ok. Well maybe someone out of the 73 people was working in a lab and the lightning just killed them.

SNOB:
Or maybe it’s a cover-up? Someone got struck, got amazing powers, but someone got to him first?

FAY:
Have you ever read or seen anything in the news about some mysterious life saving event?

SNOB:
Again, irrelevant. False information fed to us just like the so-called 73 deaths.

FAY:
I dunno.

SNOB:
Well if it’s a common superhero origin, then maybe there’s a message there? Like someone trying to reach out the everyday comic book reader that this really did happen. A sign. A calling. We can put the clues together and find this hero in hiding!

FAY:
Na, these just are adult picture books which create stupid arguments leaving us in a state where no one was right or wrong and helps past the time until the next issue or film adaptation comes out.

SNOB:
Pass the Funyuns.