| | | | DIAGNOSIS: GEEK, PRESCRIPTION: SOCIAL LIFE
Pick Yourself Up and Dust Off that Break-up:
Five Steps to Moving On
BY DR. CHARMING I MARCH 17, 2009 Dr. Charming is not a real doctor and is not liable if his advice does not pay off. Always remember the power lies within you and that these are simply guide lines that may help you achieve goals in your newfound social life.
We've all had it happen, sometimes it's just inevitable. Sometimes, things were not meant to be. The break-up. It's nasty business for most of us, often ending in heartbreak, awkward trips to pick things up, and in some cases, the loss of those possessions all together. In certain instances, people are able to pull off the "friends post-break-up" routine. Even in that situation, it's usually safe to say that the relationship is never going to be the same. Don't get me wrong, it is a far better situation than the alternative, especially if the alternative has gone to extremes, such as restraining orders. If you're dealing with those, you really dropped the ball somewhere. However, if you're like the majority of people who've felt the sting of the break-up, fear not, while it may seem like it's the end of the world, it's not.
- Go ahead...let it out...Ok, that's enough!
It's absolutely normal to feel the pain and shed some tears. I know that ladies are comfortable with emoting, but guys, get over it, and don't be afraid to cry. This, of course, assumes that you will miss the ex to some extent. In the long run, letting out the emotion will reduce the stress of the situation and help you to move forward. Speaking of forward, while I completely support "letting it out" you have to know when to cut it all off. Wallowing on the emotions will only hinder your progression and continuously rehash the hurt. The worst thing to think about after a break-up is the break-up itself, so after you cry your tears, dry your eyes, and pick yourself up off the ground.
- Find the right support system.
Always remember that you have plenty of friends and family who really like you a lot more when you're happy. As a result, they will be working hard to ensure that you are ok. From person to person opinions will vary, so it rests on you to decide to whom you look for support. Friends will be the ones to crack jokes (I loved jokes when my last break up occurred) and tell you all the cons they privately picked out while you were dating the ex. Everyone has at least two friends who do this, and in the event of the break-up, they are ecstatic to share them with you. Family will generally offer the much more loving environment that focuses on you and not so much on bashing your ex. In either respect, your self esteem will often sky rocket while on the support system, which is very important in the later steps.
- Do not dwell. Learn from it.
There is always a reason behind a break-up. Some reasons are clear cut, such as one person cheating on the other, but sometimes break-ups occur through an amassed collection of minor details and mistakes that were made. In these cases, those "minor details" are often very important and when overlooked result in eventual heartache. At some point in time, these details will be brought up, usually during the actual break-up, so pay attention, learn what went wrong, and you can learn how to correct those problems in the future. In the event that you start a new relationship, you don't want it to end for the same reason it did the last time (unless, of course, you cheated on two different significant others or had two different significant others cheat on you), so it becomes important to learn from those mistakes and take that knowledge with you.
- Get back in the game.
Generally, people cringe at the thought of getting back into the game post break-up. Friends and family will often push this one on you, but no one says you have to plunge immediately into a new relationship. You can't go hunting with a dull knife, so sharpen it, and do some flirting with girls/guys that you know. Become a talent scout and see who's available to go out for a drink or to catch a flick (get there early for quality face time while those boring repetitive ads are rolling). In plain, old-fashioned terms, meet people. This is also a great time to enjoy being single and not worry about past relationships. As important as steps 1-3 are, "getting back into the game" will ultimately determine whether or not you have officially dusted your self off and moved forward. If you have, enjoy this time, and take it slow because there is no reason to rush into relationships.
- Take a chance.
Provided you spent some time enjoying step 4, you may have one or more prospects lined up. Step 5 essentially explains it self. If you have found someone you like, take a shot. This could be the one that was meant to be, or it could be another break-up down the road, and if that turns out to be the case, at least now, you know how to effectively get over that hill. In either case, the advent of a new relationship is like the start of a new chapter, and the start of a new chapter marks the end of the last chapter...if you catch my drift.
So remember, dealing with the break-up, like most things in life, has its pros and cons. While there is often plenty of hurt involved, there are also doors opening (not referring to fridge doors). So before you head for the comfort food and mix tapes, take a deep breath, and don't be afraid to take a look at those doors. They could be your exit or entrance depending on how you see it, but in either case it's an escape (not drug or alcohol related) from your current situation. So pick yourself up, dust it off, and start walking.
- Dr. Charming
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